On the first anniversary of my husband’s death, I woke up at exactly the same time as a year ago. I started my morning written conversation with my husband with: It is today …, whereupon he interrupted me with the following words:
“No, it’s not today, it was a year ago. So much has happened since then. You have got used to our new phase of life. The new chapter of our partnership has developed very nicely. You can already see how it is going, and you and I are fine. It is different. You miss my physical existence as long as you are still in physical life. That is understandable. But I always send you physical signs to show you that I am with you. Remember last week’s letter. We will continue to find our common path, whatever may come. ”
That reduced the sadness for now. All day long I was in a strange mood, not sad, more thoughtful. And highly creative – productive. Completely different from what I had imagined this day. The week before, in an Inspired Writing group that I attend, my husband dictated a beautiful letter to my practice partner of that day.
And again: being present
When writing in the evening, I asked my husband why I was in such a strange mood.
“I won’t let you be sad today. You should be in the presence with your attention, live our life today as it is. Remember – if you are in the past with your attention and your feelings, you leave me alone (see blog post November 2020: Integrating the deceased into our present life). I want to spend this day together with you, celebrate my return to the subtle level and above all our wonderful work together. I enjoy it so much. Write, take part in medium or trance courses, everything that includes me, where I can be with you. We do this together, side by side.”
“The death of a dearly beloved one is the actual consecration for a higher world. You have to lose something on earth in order to have to look for something in those spheres. ”
Christian Friedrich Hebbel (German poet and dramatist, 1813–1863)