After the first shock, often questions arise like: Did I take care of her/him well enough? What could I have done better? Where did I fail?
The feeling that we could have prevented the loved one from dying if only … is a natural part of the grieving process. It eases our sense of powerlessness that we feel in such situations towards fate.
Even when we are deeply aware that we are not to blame for the death of the loved one, it can seem so to us. A peculiarity of feeling guilty after the death of a loved one is that there is nothing to rectify. It is too late, as painful as it is for us.
If I had not visited my mother on that very day, she would not have got up at that specific time and consequently would not have fallen … and would still be alive. It is irreversible. Sometimes we are fate for one another, even if it is incredibly difficult for us to accept this. We did not do it on purpose. Had we foreseen the situation, we would have acted very differently. Life has its own dynamic that we have no access to.
Self-reproach
When I blamed myself yet again, my husband said: “You concentrate entirely on the physical aspect. What mattered to me – more than anything – was your love. To feel how much you love me. Knowing you take care of me. Whenever I fell asleep, I knew you would be there when I opened my eyes again. And you were there.”
Often, we are too strict with ourselves. Nobody can work 24 hours a day for weeks with full concentration. Being human excludes being perfect. Also, all people have weaknesses and make mistakes, that is how we learn and develop. Ideally, we admit mistakes to ourselves and others, as they are inevitable anyway.
A first step in finding inner peace is to be grateful for all the beautiful things that we shared with the deceased. To remember the happy moments strengthens our sense of connectedness.
Recently I went on a mind trip. Together with my husband, I visited our favorite places and remembered our lovely trips. It felt exceptionally good.